1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
18) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
19) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields